Travel Wanking

Ever been holding a nice conversation with a friend when one of your other friends interrupted with: “That's so cool! It reminds me of this time I went to India and I visited this amaaazing temple...”

Inside, is there a part of you that's struggling to find the connection between what you were saying and what they're now talking about?

Or perhaps you're already travelling and you've reached a new destination. Some guy in a hole riddled singlet and no shoes asks you where you've arrived from. When you reply he says: “You came by bus? Oh man, you've gotta come by boat! The journey is so authentic. It's exactly how the locals do it. I'm always trying to avoid the touristy way of doing things.”

You remember that feeling of wanting to punch him in the face? Wanting to make him eat his smug words and quit judging your transport?

Welcome to Travel Wanking. The self satisfying judgement and oneupmanship required by some to fulfil a need for respect. This is the origin of the “way too touristy” travel theme. The need for “authentic” travel. It is also the reason so many travellers seem unable to resist becoming completely unbearable individuals.

Now you may read this thinking “oh god, I hate people like that,” but has it occurred to you that maybe... just maybe... you might be one of them? 

It can be hard to tell. The travel wanker is a strange creature who honestly feels that his drivel helps those around him. Classic travel wankers feel the need to one-up everyone else's experiences. They cannot shy away from correcting other travellers' mistaken choices and they simply can't resist calling any impure traveller “touristy”. Complaining that “it was better when I first went there” and travelling to unusual destinations simply because no one else has thought of them yet are also warning signs. Ever said something like the following?

“You went to Columbia? Yeah, I did that when I was twenty. Not bad, but it's gotten so touristy lately. For real authenticity, you should try Saudi Arabia. I went there recently and I swear I was the only westerner in the country!”

Do not be this person. Especially do not be this person around other travel wankers like me because I will one-up the shit out of you. That's right, I will own your ass. I blog, man!

Stranger Danger

It almost goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway:
You meet the strangest individuals inside backpacker hostels that you'll ever encounter in your life. Seriously. 


Some of the freakiest and scariest events of my life have occurred in hostels, as have some of the funniest and most incredible. It's a balance. All these events create fantastic stories to travel home with, but the highlight of these tales are always the wacky characters everyone believes you must be exaggerating. These people may drive you crazy at the time, but they usually hold the starring role in what will likely be your favourite memories of the trip.

I once encountered a family who were so worried about me travelling alone that they tried to send their eldest son along after me to accompany wherever I was going each day. Annoying? Yes. It was cringeworthy to try and convince them (politely) that I was safe. But going out to dinner with this family and watching them try to hold entire conversations with the waiter in a language they didn't speak was hysterical.

In a hostel, people like this are just part of the deal. I've encountered a guy who came sprinting into the hostel after midnight with angry local thieves giving chase. I met a girl who spent well over an hour trying to convince me it was daylight outside at 1am. One crazy old couple carried their mountain bikes everywhere (including inside) and just yesterday I played Drinking Monopoly (after we gave up on Drinking Risk) with a guy who threw the most impressive loser's tantrum I've ever seen and then managed to fall out of bed whilst attempting to convince us he was sober enough to go clubbing. That's a story I'll be telling for a while. (sorry mate)

These people and their counterparts in hostels all over the globe are a large part of what makes travel fun. They're also what makes travel scary and awkward, but like I said: it's a balance.

Single White Female Syndrome

I suppose I get a slightly sick thrill from being able to induce panic attacks in others just by answering enquiries about my travel plans with “No, I'm not travelling with anyone else I'm just going by myself.” For some reason this inspires images of my brutally murdered body being dug up by corrupt police after I've been mugged and tortured by drug lords. You know, after they've pulled my hair and kicked some puppies. Meanies.

Even in modern times when every uni student tells their parents they're leaving for Amsterdam/Russia/Uruguay for a week, the idea of a woman travelling alone is enough to make caring relatives flinch. If I were travelling to warzones I could understand their fears but the reality for most countries is that as a solo female traveller I'm actually often far safer than many of my fellow backpackers. Allow me to explain.

Older travellers stand out as tourists and easy marks for theft. Experienced male travellers are more likely to risk going into the dodgier ends of town in their search for the “authentic” cultural experience. Young women travelling in groups rely on each other to watch handbags and drinks and young men in groups seem to stumble into more fights than any other backpackers. And god knows a single male 18-25 yrs old will undoubtedly end up in a city's sleazier venues (yes, I'm a little sexist). There is of course an inherent vulnerability that any solo traveller faces, but the terror friends and family imprint into young women make them some of the most cautious travellers you will find.

When travelling, I'm never the one who leaves a hostel room unlocked (whether I'm in it or not). I always travel in guided tours if I'm warned a location is dangerous and I keep a strong hold of my handbag. I've still wound up in some uncomfortable situations but the same can be said for most backpackers. The key thing, though, is that as a single, female traveller; I recognise the risks I'm placing myself in and try and account for them accordingly.

Here are my tips for women travelling alone.

1. Don't just hang your handbag over one shoulder and let it bounce behind you. Pickpockets know an easy target. Carry it over the opposite shoulder so the strap crosses your chest and rotate it so the bag sits in front of you, not behind you.
   
   
2. Don't be afraid of staying in dorm rooms, but always choose the female only dorms, no matter how liberal you are. It doesn't matter if you've only met nice, friendly male travellers- it only takes one person to get the wrong idea and take a situation too far. Add in the element of alcohol and suddenly you'll find yourself in very risky accommodation.
   
   
3. Drink and smoke if that's your thing, but keep in mind that in a lot of other countries the alcohol is stronger and the tobacco is unfiltered, so you can find yourself affected a lot faster than you'd expect. Any stronger drugs should be avoided altogether since you'll not have any idea of what you're actually being given and with no companion traveller to recognise ill effects... well, you can guess what could happen. If a guys offers you cocaine for $5 (hello Cambodia), chances are that whatever it actually is; it's not going to sit well with you.
   
   
4. Think very carefully if you decide to... (how shall I put this delicately) temporarily share your accommodation with someone else. Not necessarily a bad idea, but it relies a lot on personal judgement of character. Keep in mind that harassment and rape laws are very different in many other countries. Some hold the woman at fault automatically.
   
   
5. For the love of god, don't ever drink from a glass you've taken your eyes off, even if you haven't left your seat. This should apply everywhere, but somehow we still have problems with drink spiking world over.

So those are my tips but keep in mind that this advice is to protect you from unlikely events. It's a precaution for things you will hopefully never encounter. Always be cautious but don't let it put you off solo travelling. Not only will you meet more people (you're forced to hang out with other travellers if you want company), but you'll also get to do exactly what you want without ever having to take anyone else into account. I don't know about you guys but that holds great appeal to me. 

Laptops

One of the most contentious issues with travellers is whether you should take a computer while travelling. You camera comes along without question, as does your phone and an incredibly unstylish jacket that could protect you in the arctic (or a swimsuit you'd never wear if you're heading for warmth). These are almost as essential as your passport. But your computer?

My dad and I are for it. My aunt and my boyfriend are against. My mother sensibly offers advice for either alternative. The thing is... I think my father and I are right.

My laptop has allowed for online chats with everyone I could possibly miss. It lets me watch movies during long flights and bus trips and it allows me to keep this blog. I've not at anytime felt like it was at risk of being stolen but even if it was, it's insured up to the eyeballs. It's safer here than back home!

Paranoia

I've been in Argentina for coming on three weeks now and as of yet, I am yet to go out in public without having a death grip on my bag. Paranoid? Yes. But I haven't had it stolen yet, have I!

Paranoia can be an element of life regardless of what you're doing, but for some reason when we travel; we take it to the extremes. Not everyone is as bad as me, (I freely admit I am a bit of a nutter) but it still plays on your mind. I have encountered travellers who compulsively check their room is locked (one girl went back to check twice after we'd left the hostel) and others who put padlocks on every zipper of their backpacks, or get suspicious of anyone who approaches them because "they could be trying to sell me something".

I think we get this way because those are the warnings we're given before we leave. Before leaving for Argentina, I was warned that I would almost definitely be pickpocketed. When in Cambodia, my fear was that someone would go through my luggage in the hotels, because that's what I'd been told would happen. There's probably a unique fear for almost every travel destination you could think of.

There are some fears, however, that follow us wherever we go. I, for example, cannot get on an unfamiliar bus anywhere in the world without tracing every turn we take on a map and holding my finger poised above the stop button. Why? Because I'm completely terrified of missing my stop. Who knows what could happen if I did! I could be lost for years! This usually gets me laughed at by anyone I'm travelling with.

But you know what? You can mock all you want, because unlike some people, I will never miss my stop. I will never come back to a hostel room and find I've left my locker unlocked and my stuff's been taken, and I will never be ripped off for coffee (because I've memorised the cost in both languages and I'm still holding the original menu I ordered off! Ha!).

And you know something? I've encountered eight or nine fellow backpackers already in Argentina who've had their wallet stolen. And guess who's still holding onto theirs! Coincidence? I think not!

How to be the Uber Backpacker

Many people think they've achieved this. Think that all they had to do was chuck a backpack on their back and walk around in shorts with zippers on them. But in real life, becoming the cliché takes a lot more hard work than anyone truly appreciates. I myself have never been able to fully achieve this, but in an attempt to help those greater than me who may be up for the challenge, I have written the following.

The bag: No suitcases for you! You need a backpack, man! This should have originally cost more than your camera, but if it's value is even close to that now, you're not working hard enough. This backpack will be yours for at least the next fifteen years, so treat it well, but make sure it's still been through a lot. It should demonstrate to anyone who even glances at it that you're a serious traveller. It should have been mended at least twice. It should have traces of mud from South East Asia. Motor oil stains from Russia. It should have things written on it in marker by inconsiderate baggage handlers in Colombia. It should have a flag sewn into it (not from your home country... that would just mark you as another tourist... ugh). And most of all, it should have the sweat marks from your back permanently staining it.

The shoes: Teva sandles, man. Nothing else will do. No sneakers, no heals, no pretty little ballet flats or dress shoes. Just a sturdy pair of sandles and the bold tan lines to match them. Get it? Got it? Good.

The clothes: The shorts with zippers should go without saying. Upon first leaving your home country (otherwise known as “that backward, internalised country with no thought to its international reputation”) you should bring band tshirts or ones with weird artwork on them. Whilst overseas, though, you need to start collecting beer singlets. Not just standard ones from overdeveloped industrial nations, but real local ones that you'll have to explain to everyone you meet (even if they never asked).

The hair: Go with dreads and suddenly you change from Uber Backpacker to Hippie, so avoid that. What you want to do is have one or two colourful braids put in by helpful street kids to whom you'll cheerfully give away your western cash. No hairbands and bobby pins if it gets in your face, but you can get a rainbow coloured scarf or turban to keep it back.

Accessories: “It's called a keffiyeh and I wear it to support Palestine, actually.” 

Conversation topics: Much like the friendly hipster or the suffering uni student, your options for conversation are lacking. However, you may talk about all the unusual and “untainted” places you've travelled to (read: travel wanking), as well as the literature that inspired you to travel as a teenager, the plight of refugees and the amazon, and the tragedy that is the tourist.

Hope this helps you all! Good luck in your quests to become the Uber Backpacker. Remember: There Can Only Be One!

Being Weird

Don't fight it, accept it! Travelling is one of the most popular things any alt kid can do right now, but don't let anyone tell you that you should do things in a certain way. Any backpacker can visit temples and beaches during the day and get drunk on vodka at night, but it takes true bravery to completely let go of your dignity. Some of the best fun I've had has been goofing around in playgrounds, ordering giant icecreams, or running around the zoo like a madwoman because I was so excited that they'd let me pat the animals. 

Unless you're the suavest man in existence, you're going to make an idiot of yourself regardless. After all, you most likely don't speak the language. Trying to mime “bathroom” to waiters in cafes in never grand. So just let go. Run around like a fool. Be a nerd. Geek out because you're at the same place as they made Tomb Raider/Mission Impossible/Babel. Charge up the sides of cliffs and let your fear of heights kick in on the way down. Who's going to recognise you anyway?

Just remember to keep an eye out for cameras. No one wants to be an unwitting YouTube star.

Hiya

Hiya, peeps! 

Travel blogging is about the most cliched thing a person in their 20s can do. There are thousands of them out there that all vary in fame and quality. The reason for the popularity of the concept is easy to understand, of course. It takes very little motivation to start one and, at the time, it feels like you'll never run out of inspiration.

So in a desperate attempt to gain some love (I've heard it's nice), I'm jumping on the bandwagon. Of course, being popular on the internet is about as cool as being a popular folk dancer or being renowned for your DnD skillz... but my mum will read this and she tells me that's what counts. Right mum? Mummy? Love me?