Travel Wanking

Ever been holding a nice conversation with a friend when one of your other friends interrupted with: “That's so cool! It reminds me of this time I went to India and I visited this amaaazing temple...”

Inside, is there a part of you that's struggling to find the connection between what you were saying and what they're now talking about?

Or perhaps you're already travelling and you've reached a new destination. Some guy in a hole riddled singlet and no shoes asks you where you've arrived from. When you reply he says: “You came by bus? Oh man, you've gotta come by boat! The journey is so authentic. It's exactly how the locals do it. I'm always trying to avoid the touristy way of doing things.”

You remember that feeling of wanting to punch him in the face? Wanting to make him eat his smug words and quit judging your transport?

Welcome to Travel Wanking. The self satisfying judgement and oneupmanship required by some to fulfil a need for respect. This is the origin of the “way too touristy” travel theme. The need for “authentic” travel. It is also the reason so many travellers seem unable to resist becoming completely unbearable individuals.

Now you may read this thinking “oh god, I hate people like that,” but has it occurred to you that maybe... just maybe... you might be one of them? 

It can be hard to tell. The travel wanker is a strange creature who honestly feels that his drivel helps those around him. Classic travel wankers feel the need to one-up everyone else's experiences. They cannot shy away from correcting other travellers' mistaken choices and they simply can't resist calling any impure traveller “touristy”. Complaining that “it was better when I first went there” and travelling to unusual destinations simply because no one else has thought of them yet are also warning signs. Ever said something like the following?

“You went to Columbia? Yeah, I did that when I was twenty. Not bad, but it's gotten so touristy lately. For real authenticity, you should try Saudi Arabia. I went there recently and I swear I was the only westerner in the country!”

Do not be this person. Especially do not be this person around other travel wankers like me because I will one-up the shit out of you. That's right, I will own your ass. I blog, man!

Stranger Danger

It almost goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway:
You meet the strangest individuals inside backpacker hostels that you'll ever encounter in your life. Seriously. 


Some of the freakiest and scariest events of my life have occurred in hostels, as have some of the funniest and most incredible. It's a balance. All these events create fantastic stories to travel home with, but the highlight of these tales are always the wacky characters everyone believes you must be exaggerating. These people may drive you crazy at the time, but they usually hold the starring role in what will likely be your favourite memories of the trip.

I once encountered a family who were so worried about me travelling alone that they tried to send their eldest son along after me to accompany wherever I was going each day. Annoying? Yes. It was cringeworthy to try and convince them (politely) that I was safe. But going out to dinner with this family and watching them try to hold entire conversations with the waiter in a language they didn't speak was hysterical.

In a hostel, people like this are just part of the deal. I've encountered a guy who came sprinting into the hostel after midnight with angry local thieves giving chase. I met a girl who spent well over an hour trying to convince me it was daylight outside at 1am. One crazy old couple carried their mountain bikes everywhere (including inside) and just yesterday I played Drinking Monopoly (after we gave up on Drinking Risk) with a guy who threw the most impressive loser's tantrum I've ever seen and then managed to fall out of bed whilst attempting to convince us he was sober enough to go clubbing. That's a story I'll be telling for a while. (sorry mate)

These people and their counterparts in hostels all over the globe are a large part of what makes travel fun. They're also what makes travel scary and awkward, but like I said: it's a balance.