5 Things to know before moving overseas

There comes a day when your world isn't big enough for you. When you look at your friends and family and think pssh, you're all replaceable. When you decide financial security is overrated and awesome stories for future children are far more important than finding someone to settle down with and make these future children. It's on that day that you make the decision to uproot your life and relocate half way round the world. 

Or, you know, maybe you have other reasons to move like work or study or an internet boyfriend. All totally valid reasons and I truly support you! Sort of. 

As some of you may know, I just moved back to Australia again. I've lived in the UK for a couple of years, but it was well and truly time to return. Moving to Australia was outrageously complicated but given that I've now done this kind of move twice, I think I'm in a unique position to share some wisdom. So here are the top five things you need to know before you move overseas. 

1. Visas are essential. Whoever told you that you'd find work there without one or you could overstay without consequence and other such bullshit was lying to you. If you do this, you'll be working for below minimum wage and as soon as you try to leave again you'll get slapped with a ban on re-entering the country. And that will then effect applications to live in different countries. Just fork out for the damn visa. 

2. New friends are not as easy to acquire as you'd think. You might be great and making new friends in hostels but if you're hoping to replace your group of gal pals from back home immediately; prepare for a struggle. Half the reason it's so easy to make friends in hostels is because you're usually not stuck hanging out with someone for more than a few days.  Meaning you never have to find out if they hate indy music, steal compulsively or voted for Tony Abbott. 

Longer term friends are harder to find. Lean on any existing connections and new flatmates, befriend your coworkers, find an expat group and try and hang out in areas where folks speak the same language as you (and I mean that both literally and figuratively). 

3. Moving overseas is no reason to give up on a real job. Yeah, yeah, bar work is easy and fun and gives you plenty of time to explore your new environment, but you know what also helps with travel plans? Money. Find a real job based off your real experience. Save up, apply for unpaid leave (or give notice if you're confident you could find a new job with ease) and then travel your new country. Bar work is for backpackers, not expats. Unless your new country is going through the recession still in which case take what you can get and suck it up. 

4. Utilize social media. Yeah, yeah, you're too cool for facebook these days and twitter is for tweens, but social media is hands down the best way to keep up to date on people's lives back home. And keep them up to date (and jealous) of yours. Face it, you are going to be desperately lonely and depressed. Make yourself feel better by looking at all the lame-arses with their home-owning and families and happiness. 

Losers. 

5. Be prepared to feel very, very conflicted. Some days you will long desperately for home. Some days you will never want to return. You will hate your new country and its shit weather. You will love the atmosphere and how different it is. One day you will kind of make up your mind and either move back (like I've just done) or apply for a longer visa/residency. You will never, ever be 100% convinced of whatever decision you've made. Life's tricky. Just try to remember, you've got it better than most. 

Dealing with transport strikes in Europe

This post has been inspired by the recent one-day transport strike in Nice, France, which my fellow backpackers and I were stuck trying to deal with. Anyone who has travelled in Europe (France in particular) will know that this is a fairly common occurance. Strikes and protests are a European way of life. However, in the spirit of chillaxing and just dealing-with-it, I thought I'd try and offer some tips.

Getting around, rescheduling plans and navigating foreign destinations automatically become trickier when a strike happens, but you can still make the most of it and work around it. If you know one is coming in advance, it may be worth rearranging your travel to fall on the day before or after, especially if it's just a small local trip. If this isn't possible, there are a few things you can do. 

Upon arriving at the train station/bus depot: find the staff member near the entrance who has been given the hellish job of advising travellers of the strike. Have pity on this poor soul. Usually there's an alternate timetable for the day and this person should be able to advise you of which services will still run. Typically I've found they keep about a third of services going. 

Ticket machines will usually still let you book tickets for trains that aren't actually running so find out what the "strike timetable" is first. If you've accidentally booked a ticket for a train/bus that's been cancelled, go to the counter. Usually they will exchange it free of charge for one of the alternately scheduled trains. If there aren't any, you can usually get a refund but only by being polite. They will not give you your money back if you're rude or angry but instead will just be rude back. They're having a bad day, too. 

Be prepared for long waits and crowds. With limited services it means there will be a large number of travellers, all trying to get on at the same time. Be ready for this. Once you've sat around for an hour waiting for your train, get ready to be at the front of the crowd so you can rush onto the train first. It truly sucks to be one of the few left behind on the platform when it's full.

Finally, I can only advise patience. Be prepared for a wait, have a bottle of water at hand and accept that this isn't going to be the relaxed day you thought it would. Things will almost certainly work themselves out in the end. 

Packing tips for backpackers- top five things to remember

Now I may be wrong (and correct me if I am) but I think it may have been a little while since I last posted. The truth is I've been a bit domesticated. One of those young layabouts who keeps a steady job, a consistent social life and knows the current plot arcs on all the popular tv shows. Shameful, I know.

But I'm back! And travelling again! Life will have meaning once more! With my UK visa expiring shortly, I'll be doing the long trip back to Australia soon but before I go, I just have to take some time to run off 'round Europe. Who knows when the chance will come again?

So that's September's plan, a jaunt around the continent, skipping across boarders and navigating the train system like a freaking boss. My interrail ticket has arrived, I've stocked up on toiletries and there are about twelve different "useful lists" floating around my living room. Over the next month I should have lots of updates, hopefully some helpful and mildly witty ones. But since I'm currently killing time in St Pancras awaiting my train to gay Paris, I thought I'd try and offer some packing advise. 

The general rule of thumb for packing (that every experienced backpacker everywhere will repeat to you) is to lay out everything you want to take, then halve it. This always holds true but there are always some items you'd never want to do without. 

St Pancras International

And so, triumphantly, I present to you my top five list of things I'd never want to do without on a trip! Enjoy!

1. Moisturizer and deodorant- you'd think these would be things you could pick up anywhere if you left them behind but a lot of deodorants and skincare products you'll purchase overseas include irritants you won't be used to and  offer "whitening" properties. i.e Bleach. So unless a patchy white face and underarms is the look you're going for, best to take your favorite brands from home.

2. An extra padlock- if you don't bring one Murphy's Law says you'll almost certainly will lose yours or acquire a second bag or encounter a locker that your first one doesn't fit on. Particularly useful if you're taking long bus or train trips in slightly dodgy company where you may nod off at some point. You can lock your daypack to the seat or you belt buckle or whatever else. Not going to stop a determined thief but it will stop an opportunist.

3. Posh clothes - unless you're on an actual trek or climbing Everest or some such malarkey, you're almost certainly going to want to go out to bars or a nice dinner or show or even just wander through a city centre. And you're not going to want to do that in your skeezy sneakers and a souvenir beer vest. I'm not saying take your old prom dress or a suit but a nice shirt or cute dress and clean shoes will be invaluable.

Bonus general clothes rule: if you'd be embarrassed to walk down the high street in it back home, you're not going to feel comfortable in it overseas.

4. Umbrella or rain jacket- as a general guide, if you'll be spending most of your time in cities go with the umbrella. If you're more likely to be roughing it, go with the rain jacket. Or both! Easily purchased overseas but the first time you realize you need one (i.e it's chucking it down) they'll either be exorbitantly overpriced or nowhere to be found.

5. A smartphone- hands down the number one thing you don't want to do without. Yes they're expensive, yes it would totally suck to lose it but get some insurance and bring it anyway. It's an all in one phone, train timetable, trashy novel, guidebook, room/ticket booker and translator! If you're spending more than a week in any country where you don't speak the language I highly recommend getting the relevant "lingopal" app, which is a translator tool. The "light" versions don't cost a penny and the full versions are less than a quid. These bad boys have saved my life on multiple occasions. My new favourite app in the world is Tripit, which lets me directly import itineraries, booking numbers, confirmation emails, etc into one easy to manage location. Not only that, it also creates maps to the various locations I have to go and can give me weather updates. Absolutely fab. 

(Note: if you do follow my advise and end up relying on your phone to manage all this, don't forget the charger. You'll look mighty stupid)

Other things to check out: 

• If you're looking for specific advise on packing lists for a "hardcore" backpacker trip, Travel Independent is always a good place to start and this page in particular will help.
• If you're "flashpacking" and are looking for suggestions that are more fashion minded I thought this article was great. 
• If you're starting a student exchange, this site would be a good place to start. 

(Dear people from the future - if any of these links stop functioning, let me know and I'll replace/delete them)

Barcelona for beginners - Five travel tips for novices

It's fine and dandy to blog about abstract concepts and vague themes but us travel bloggers are occasionally obligated to return to the actual basis of our expertise and blog about an actual place that we've actually been to. After all, we can't expect you readers to live vicariously through us if we're not actually going anywhere. And so, to Barcelona I went.

Were I a braver soul, my flight may have involved me annoying fellow passengers with football chants (Barcelona FC style) and attempting to converse with EasyJet's very British staff in Spanish, such was my excitement. However, shy and retiring wallflower that I am, I contented myself with an imported Frankie mag and the conversation of my travel buddy. After all, wannabe Geordie I am but wannabe Geordie Shore I will never be. 

A Spanish holiday tends to end up being either a glorified art gallery tour or a foodie/wino's dream of sangria and paella. I attempted to mix both together and it all ended up a bit higgledy piggledy. Trust me, if you're not absolututely obsessed with Gaudi; craning your neck to stare at his buildings does get old eventually. 

And so, for the average joe travellers of the world: Here's my guide to enjoying Barcelona.

1. Try and stay relatively close to the city centre as the metro and buses are going to cost you two euro each time you step on and a long walk can be a miserably hot affair. We stayed at Ona Barcelona which, whilst being a liiiitle noisy and a bit boring, was in a brilliant location, had very friendly staff and was absolutely, spotlessly clean. I definitely recommend staying on the fifth floor if you can where it's hotter, but much quieter. The showers on our floor (and really the bathrooms in general) were the best I've ever come across in a hostel. Ever.

Ever the Work-In-Progress: Gaudi's Sagrada Familia

2. Pick and choose your Gaudi carefully. The buildings are lovely, the church is lovely, the park is lovely, but after a while it will all start to seem a bit sameish and frankly garish. With costs of entry being around 15-20 euros, I'd hate to see you all bored by him. I recommend the park, which is free and makes for a nice bit of exercise if you've been ordering one too many tapas dishes for your table. The others can all be happily viewed from the outside without feeling you've missed out on something significant. Of course, when doing anything outdoors in Barcelona: be prepared to feel like you're in the middle of a friggin dust storm.

3. Practice your Spanish, but be prepared for some scathing looks. Still brimming with pride from last year's very successful South American trip, I felt my basic spanish should at least be up to par for ordering food. Yeah, turns out not. It wasn't pretty. I still maintain it's far better to try and fail, but unlike many other countries where attempting the language gets you smiles of appreciation, here it seemed more to annoy. So feel free just to point to things on the menu and save yourself the embarrassment, but try not to resort to too much English. At least remember to say por favor and gracias. It's quite literally the least you can do.

4. Explore the Gothic Quarter. Hands down, this was my favourite part of the whole trip. All those tiny alleyways, all those beautiful boutiques, all those quirky folks and eyebrow raising artworks. Absolutely darling. Fab. Spend an afternoon there if you can and seek out La Clandestina when you're ready for a tea/coffee/fresh juice break. Best cafe in the whole city. I won't tell you exactly where it is because I truly can't remember. Right at the green door, left at the ruin and past the tattoo parlour I think? Or was it left at the museum? Whatever, I'm sure you'll find it... eventually. 

5. Ask first, order later. The Santa Caterina Market is definitely worth your time, if only to check out the ruins beneath before heading on to the Chocolate Museum (Best museum idea ever, by the way. I mean, you get to eat the entry ticket!) but watch out for those wily fruit sellers. Make sure you ask how much something is first even if it's labelled. Otherwise you'll have it wrapped and bagged with your money already changing hands before you'll find out it's suddenly ten euros for a tiny punnet of raspberries. Good luck getting your change back at that point. 

Games NOT to play in an airport

• The Bomb Bogies Game: Just like playing Bogies (where you take it in turns to say the word and each person must say it louder than the person before them), but with the word bomb.
• Mister Security: Try to sneak up on security, but you must freeze every time they look in your direction. 
• The Unlabelled Baggage Scavenger Hunt: Leave your bags in carefully hidden places around the airport, then challenge your friends to find them.
• The Beligerant Passenger Game: You don't even need to be travelling anywhere for this one. Just march up to the check-in counter and start shouting at the innocent staff members who work there. Fastest person to be escorted out by security is the winner.
• Guess Who: Swap passports with friends. Try to go through security checks and see if anyone guesses that you're not who you say you are. Hilarity will ensue.
• The Racial Profiling Game: All players should gather up a group of people from different ethnic backgrounds, then line them up in order of Most to Least likely to be a terrorist.
• Guess What's in my Boogy Board Bag: Is it a board or is it 3kgs of marijuana? You've got a 50% chance of being right!

Now don't these sound like fun? Thanks in advance for making your next overseas trip far more entertaining for the spectators.

Five vaguely useful travel apps

Airbnb - Hooks up travellers (with no friends to stay with) and homeowners/renters (with no friends to hang out with). Basically, if someone has a spare room they can advertise it as accommodation for travellers via this website and app. Travellers can then book the room to stay in. It can save you a freaking fortune in hotel/hostel costs and you can make a new friend or two in the process.

Accio - Okay, so this is actually the name of the app provider, not the app, but searching this will bring up the most options. Basically, they make translator dictionaries for your iPhone (and probably your Android, too, but I can't vouch for that). Helpful if you're wanting to learn a few words and phrases before you leave and super helpful in getting yourself out of a pinch once you're actually travelling. Also, much, much lighter than a bilingual dictionary. Must think about those luggage allowances, hey?

Lonely Planet - Yes, there are apps now.

Streetmuseum: Londinium - I'm kind of stretching the definition of useful with this addition to the list, but it's absolutely the cutest, coolest app idea ever. Basically, it overlays ancient sites over the top of a map of modern London and then includes facts, pictures, little excavation game things and the like. It's awesome. Well, it is awesome if you're under the age of twelve... or if you're me. Shut up!

Hostelworld.com - I tend to just go through the website, but they have an app, too! How nifty! I almost always go through Hostelworld to make my bookings, because they have not failed me yet. If they say a hostel is good, it's good. Just take it as fact, okay?

Getting sick on holidays

As someone whose health has been consistently and fondly described as tragic for the past who-knows-how-long, vacations are usually just an excuse for me to go and test out the health care system of various countries. Singapore: yay, Cambodia: nay, Britain: not sure, but I'll bet you $100 (stupid computer not having a pound symbol) that I'll be able to tell you within a month or two. 


It was at a fairly young age that I perfected the quavering smile and self effacing chuckle all sickly youths use to earn the title of 'Brave Little Tyke', but in reality I'm still a total sook when it comes to illness. At the merest hint of a sniffle I will immediately move to take refuge in the relative safety of my mother's home and couch for a few days, from where I moan and groan whilst being provided with endless cups of tea and vegemite on toast (nature's cure-all). Sadly, however, this is not an option that is available to me when travelling. My first solo trip overseas resulted in a mostly untreated bout of whooping cough, which very nearly sent my dear mama half way round the world just to drive me to the doctor. 


In the years that followed this; I've become better and better prepared for the many ailments which seem to always find me, wherever I happen to be. Things like vaccinations and insurance (neither of which have ever really concerned me in Australia) suddenly take high priority when you're travelling. But there are other things I've figured out over the years. Learning how to say things like "emergency" "sick" and "doctor" in whatever the local language happens to be, taking note of where hospitals are so that you can direct "lost" taxi drivers and making friends with hostel owners so they're more likely to think to check on you if you're looking sickly are three good examples. Don't take your "sickness planning" too far, though. You do need to be careful, but make sure you don't get too carried away and miss out on half your trip out of false concern for your own health. 


For example: unless there's an actual health warning out, you can probably forego the face masks and -whilst it's always a good idea to be careful of your water supply and keep clean hands- you can pretty much take it for granted that at some point you're going to eat something that won't agree with you. An upset stomach won't kill you and avoiding local food just means missing out on some of the best made food in any country. 


The only other tip I can really give is to have a contingency budget. Planning a $3000 trip to fit within your $3000 of savings is going to leave you in deep, deep trouble should something go wrong. Your insurance won't kick in the very instant you get sick and in some cases, you won't be able to get any treatment at all until you have the insurance funds to pay for it. Make sure you've got at least $500 in extra savings that you can call on, whether you just need to visit a GP for antibiotics, or whether you need to pay for immediate blood tests  or xrays. It might mean you wait longer to take your dream trip, but it will be far less painful in the long run.

Maturity

For most of my youth, admiring travellers from a distance, I considered independent travel to be a sign of maturity. All the “adults” I knew had done it and all had returned; better for the experience. In terms of “growing up” it was of wine swilling, tax evading, lease signing, hymen tearing significance. I regarded it with a peculiar mix of trepidation and self assuredness. It was a daunting concept, but one the fourteen year old version of myself was quite certain she could handle better than anyone (and everyone) else. Ah, the follies of youth.

With all the enlightenment of twenty one measly years and several accompanied and unaccompanied overseas jaunts, I do indeed feel much more adult than perhaps I would if I had stayed home. The advantage I have over my younger self, however, is an awareness that this is bull.

I'm no adult, I'm a child playing dress-ups in entire countries. Smugly certain that I'm achieving international cultural sensitivity whilst simultaneously putting on an embarrassing representation of the Australian people.

So, to the people of Australia and those foreigners forced to tolerate me on their turf: I am truly, truly sorry. 


Not going to stop, though.

Things that felt like a good idea before I tried them

...Going clubbing from midnight til six with a 10hr bus ride awaiting me the next day.

...Using a discount bus company to get from Puerto Iguazu to Resistencia, with the massive saving of $40 pesos (about $10) and the sacrifice of my sanity.

...Taking advantage of the super cheap coffee served at football games in Buenos Aires. Later witnessing them filling up the thermos from the hot tap in the bathroom. 

...Not factoring shots and vaccines into my budget and then telling my doctor to give me everything she felt might be necessary. Just as a point: $800.

...Drinking four glasses of... something and falling asleep on Serendipity Beach without sunscreen.

...Making eye contact with beggars in Cambodia.

...Not checking myself into a French hospital because of a cold. Turns out I had whooping cough.

...Convincing myself that watching a Nat Tran video substituted reading an actual guide book.

...Letting friends choose their own present for me to bring back. (Australia limits the amount of alcohol you're allowed to bring through customs)

...Refusing to embarrass myself by asking the bus driver if I was at the right stop and instead wandering around south Mendoza for an hour and a half, convinced I was in Maipu.

...Two flavoured vodkas, chocolate liqueur, absinthe, five glasses of wine and a beer, then trying to cycle 5km back to base. Actually, I lie. No regrets for that one. It was totally awesome.

Travel Wanking

Ever been holding a nice conversation with a friend when one of your other friends interrupted with: “That's so cool! It reminds me of this time I went to India and I visited this amaaazing temple...”

Inside, is there a part of you that's struggling to find the connection between what you were saying and what they're now talking about?

Or perhaps you're already travelling and you've reached a new destination. Some guy in a hole riddled singlet and no shoes asks you where you've arrived from. When you reply he says: “You came by bus? Oh man, you've gotta come by boat! The journey is so authentic. It's exactly how the locals do it. I'm always trying to avoid the touristy way of doing things.”

You remember that feeling of wanting to punch him in the face? Wanting to make him eat his smug words and quit judging your transport?

Welcome to Travel Wanking. The self satisfying judgement and oneupmanship required by some to fulfil a need for respect. This is the origin of the “way too touristy” travel theme. The need for “authentic” travel. It is also the reason so many travellers seem unable to resist becoming completely unbearable individuals.

Now you may read this thinking “oh god, I hate people like that,” but has it occurred to you that maybe... just maybe... you might be one of them? 

It can be hard to tell. The travel wanker is a strange creature who honestly feels that his drivel helps those around him. Classic travel wankers feel the need to one-up everyone else's experiences. They cannot shy away from correcting other travellers' mistaken choices and they simply can't resist calling any impure traveller “touristy”. Complaining that “it was better when I first went there” and travelling to unusual destinations simply because no one else has thought of them yet are also warning signs. Ever said something like the following?

“You went to Columbia? Yeah, I did that when I was twenty. Not bad, but it's gotten so touristy lately. For real authenticity, you should try Saudi Arabia. I went there recently and I swear I was the only westerner in the country!”

Do not be this person. Especially do not be this person around other travel wankers like me because I will one-up the shit out of you. That's right, I will own your ass. I blog, man!

Single White Female Syndrome

I suppose I get a slightly sick thrill from being able to induce panic attacks in others just by answering enquiries about my travel plans with “No, I'm not travelling with anyone else I'm just going by myself.” For some reason this inspires images of my brutally murdered body being dug up by corrupt police after I've been mugged and tortured by drug lords. You know, after they've pulled my hair and kicked some puppies. Meanies.

Even in modern times when every uni student tells their parents they're leaving for Amsterdam/Russia/Uruguay for a week, the idea of a woman travelling alone is enough to make caring relatives flinch. If I were travelling to warzones I could understand their fears but the reality for most countries is that as a solo female traveller I'm actually often far safer than many of my fellow backpackers. Allow me to explain.

Older travellers stand out as tourists and easy marks for theft. Experienced male travellers are more likely to risk going into the dodgier ends of town in their search for the “authentic” cultural experience. Young women travelling in groups rely on each other to watch handbags and drinks and young men in groups seem to stumble into more fights than any other backpackers. And god knows a single male 18-25 yrs old will undoubtedly end up in a city's sleazier venues (yes, I'm a little sexist). There is of course an inherent vulnerability that any solo traveller faces, but the terror friends and family imprint into young women make them some of the most cautious travellers you will find.

When travelling, I'm never the one who leaves a hostel room unlocked (whether I'm in it or not). I always travel in guided tours if I'm warned a location is dangerous and I keep a strong hold of my handbag. I've still wound up in some uncomfortable situations but the same can be said for most backpackers. The key thing, though, is that as a single, female traveller; I recognise the risks I'm placing myself in and try and account for them accordingly.

Here are my tips for women travelling alone.

1. Don't just hang your handbag over one shoulder and let it bounce behind you. Pickpockets know an easy target. Carry it over the opposite shoulder so the strap crosses your chest and rotate it so the bag sits in front of you, not behind you.
   
   
2. Don't be afraid of staying in dorm rooms, but always choose the female only dorms, no matter how liberal you are. It doesn't matter if you've only met nice, friendly male travellers- it only takes one person to get the wrong idea and take a situation too far. Add in the element of alcohol and suddenly you'll find yourself in very risky accommodation.
   
   
3. Drink and smoke if that's your thing, but keep in mind that in a lot of other countries the alcohol is stronger and the tobacco is unfiltered, so you can find yourself affected a lot faster than you'd expect. Any stronger drugs should be avoided altogether since you'll not have any idea of what you're actually being given and with no companion traveller to recognise ill effects... well, you can guess what could happen. If a guys offers you cocaine for $5 (hello Cambodia), chances are that whatever it actually is; it's not going to sit well with you.
   
   
4. Think very carefully if you decide to... (how shall I put this delicately) temporarily share your accommodation with someone else. Not necessarily a bad idea, but it relies a lot on personal judgement of character. Keep in mind that harassment and rape laws are very different in many other countries. Some hold the woman at fault automatically.
   
   
5. For the love of god, don't ever drink from a glass you've taken your eyes off, even if you haven't left your seat. This should apply everywhere, but somehow we still have problems with drink spiking world over.

So those are my tips but keep in mind that this advice is to protect you from unlikely events. It's a precaution for things you will hopefully never encounter. Always be cautious but don't let it put you off solo travelling. Not only will you meet more people (you're forced to hang out with other travellers if you want company), but you'll also get to do exactly what you want without ever having to take anyone else into account. I don't know about you guys but that holds great appeal to me. 

Laptops

One of the most contentious issues with travellers is whether you should take a computer while travelling. You camera comes along without question, as does your phone and an incredibly unstylish jacket that could protect you in the arctic (or a swimsuit you'd never wear if you're heading for warmth). These are almost as essential as your passport. But your computer?

My dad and I are for it. My aunt and my boyfriend are against. My mother sensibly offers advice for either alternative. The thing is... I think my father and I are right.

My laptop has allowed for online chats with everyone I could possibly miss. It lets me watch movies during long flights and bus trips and it allows me to keep this blog. I've not at anytime felt like it was at risk of being stolen but even if it was, it's insured up to the eyeballs. It's safer here than back home!

Paranoia

I've been in Argentina for coming on three weeks now and as of yet, I am yet to go out in public without having a death grip on my bag. Paranoid? Yes. But I haven't had it stolen yet, have I!

Paranoia can be an element of life regardless of what you're doing, but for some reason when we travel; we take it to the extremes. Not everyone is as bad as me, (I freely admit I am a bit of a nutter) but it still plays on your mind. I have encountered travellers who compulsively check their room is locked (one girl went back to check twice after we'd left the hostel) and others who put padlocks on every zipper of their backpacks, or get suspicious of anyone who approaches them because "they could be trying to sell me something".

I think we get this way because those are the warnings we're given before we leave. Before leaving for Argentina, I was warned that I would almost definitely be pickpocketed. When in Cambodia, my fear was that someone would go through my luggage in the hotels, because that's what I'd been told would happen. There's probably a unique fear for almost every travel destination you could think of.

There are some fears, however, that follow us wherever we go. I, for example, cannot get on an unfamiliar bus anywhere in the world without tracing every turn we take on a map and holding my finger poised above the stop button. Why? Because I'm completely terrified of missing my stop. Who knows what could happen if I did! I could be lost for years! This usually gets me laughed at by anyone I'm travelling with.

But you know what? You can mock all you want, because unlike some people, I will never miss my stop. I will never come back to a hostel room and find I've left my locker unlocked and my stuff's been taken, and I will never be ripped off for coffee (because I've memorised the cost in both languages and I'm still holding the original menu I ordered off! Ha!).

And you know something? I've encountered eight or nine fellow backpackers already in Argentina who've had their wallet stolen. And guess who's still holding onto theirs! Coincidence? I think not!

How to be the Uber Backpacker

Many people think they've achieved this. Think that all they had to do was chuck a backpack on their back and walk around in shorts with zippers on them. But in real life, becoming the cliché takes a lot more hard work than anyone truly appreciates. I myself have never been able to fully achieve this, but in an attempt to help those greater than me who may be up for the challenge, I have written the following.

The bag: No suitcases for you! You need a backpack, man! This should have originally cost more than your camera, but if it's value is even close to that now, you're not working hard enough. This backpack will be yours for at least the next fifteen years, so treat it well, but make sure it's still been through a lot. It should demonstrate to anyone who even glances at it that you're a serious traveller. It should have been mended at least twice. It should have traces of mud from South East Asia. Motor oil stains from Russia. It should have things written on it in marker by inconsiderate baggage handlers in Colombia. It should have a flag sewn into it (not from your home country... that would just mark you as another tourist... ugh). And most of all, it should have the sweat marks from your back permanently staining it.

The shoes: Teva sandles, man. Nothing else will do. No sneakers, no heals, no pretty little ballet flats or dress shoes. Just a sturdy pair of sandles and the bold tan lines to match them. Get it? Got it? Good.

The clothes: The shorts with zippers should go without saying. Upon first leaving your home country (otherwise known as “that backward, internalised country with no thought to its international reputation”) you should bring band tshirts or ones with weird artwork on them. Whilst overseas, though, you need to start collecting beer singlets. Not just standard ones from overdeveloped industrial nations, but real local ones that you'll have to explain to everyone you meet (even if they never asked).

The hair: Go with dreads and suddenly you change from Uber Backpacker to Hippie, so avoid that. What you want to do is have one or two colourful braids put in by helpful street kids to whom you'll cheerfully give away your western cash. No hairbands and bobby pins if it gets in your face, but you can get a rainbow coloured scarf or turban to keep it back.

Accessories: “It's called a keffiyeh and I wear it to support Palestine, actually.” 

Conversation topics: Much like the friendly hipster or the suffering uni student, your options for conversation are lacking. However, you may talk about all the unusual and “untainted” places you've travelled to (read: travel wanking), as well as the literature that inspired you to travel as a teenager, the plight of refugees and the amazon, and the tragedy that is the tourist.

Hope this helps you all! Good luck in your quests to become the Uber Backpacker. Remember: There Can Only Be One!

Being Weird

Don't fight it, accept it! Travelling is one of the most popular things any alt kid can do right now, but don't let anyone tell you that you should do things in a certain way. Any backpacker can visit temples and beaches during the day and get drunk on vodka at night, but it takes true bravery to completely let go of your dignity. Some of the best fun I've had has been goofing around in playgrounds, ordering giant icecreams, or running around the zoo like a madwoman because I was so excited that they'd let me pat the animals. 

Unless you're the suavest man in existence, you're going to make an idiot of yourself regardless. After all, you most likely don't speak the language. Trying to mime “bathroom” to waiters in cafes in never grand. So just let go. Run around like a fool. Be a nerd. Geek out because you're at the same place as they made Tomb Raider/Mission Impossible/Babel. Charge up the sides of cliffs and let your fear of heights kick in on the way down. Who's going to recognise you anyway?

Just remember to keep an eye out for cameras. No one wants to be an unwitting YouTube star.