How to demonstrate your stupidity in any language

Want to prove your own stupidity to foreigners, but don't know where to start? Why, it's simple! Just follow my easy to read list of tips below!


Speak really loudly... 

Dang foreigners could speak English, they're just not listening properly. I mean, I always understand words better when they're shouted at me by a guy who's so close I can taste his spittle.

Offer them money... 

See, if you wave shiny dollars in people's faces, they're much more likely to spontaneously learn English. After all, you're surely richer than everyone you encounter. I mean, you're white!

Speak only in cultural stereotypes... 

The most cringeworthy moment of The Amazing Race Aus was when one charming contestant ran around China saying “Shanghai ladee? You have clue for me?” in a confusingly inappropriate accent. Seriously. That's just ridiculous, anywhere.

Speak... really... slowly...

So the shouting thing didn't work, huh? No worries, just speak reeeeally slowly and accompany your words with hand gestures. Then they'll get it.

Throw in random words in spanish... no matter what country your in... 

Do you hablo English? No? Damn. Now how am I going to order my burrito?

Mime... 

This is one I'm actually guilty of, but in truth, sometimes it does work. Mostly, though, you end up looking ridiculous trying to mime “electricity” by jiggling on the spot. Then they call a doctor for you and you're left feeling more than a little foolish. 

Try and make English words sound more foreigny...

Where can I findo a vendo machino? Do yu haav any chocolato?

Speak only in douchy quotes...

The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it's taken place.

George Bernard Shaw said that one. :)

A Lament to the Volcano

O Ash! O Smoke! O Rock!

Vulcan whose might we mock,

Trembling and spewing out with mighty roar

When the skies you took will you unlock?

No more -Oh, never more!

Whether the day or night

No one has taken flight:

Had you but attention craved before

Pray, move your clouds and give my heart delight

No more -Oh, never more

(with sincere apologies to Percy Bysshe Shelley for the butchering of his work)

Luckily, my flights have yet to overlap with the Chilean volcano, but I have not been unaffected. Bariloche, a beautiful city in the south of Argentina, was supposed to be my next stop. However, with the city covered in ash and snow, (making a mucky, dark mess) the place has mostly shut down. All warnings are indicating it's not worth the time it would take to get there since most places are closed and most sites I wanted to see are still inaccessible. So yeah, Bariloche's an unfortunate no go for me.

Now, butchering classic poetry might seem excessive for the insult given here, but there is one important detail I haven't yet mentioned. Besides its river access and natural beauty, Bariloche is known for one other thing: Chocolate. This nasty bint of an eruption has kept me from the home of great chocolate in all South America. That kind of offence cannot stand. Puyehue-Cordon Caulle, you just made my list.

How to be the Uber Backpacker

Many people think they've achieved this. Think that all they had to do was chuck a backpack on their back and walk around in shorts with zippers on them. But in real life, becoming the cliché takes a lot more hard work than anyone truly appreciates. I myself have never been able to fully achieve this, but in an attempt to help those greater than me who may be up for the challenge, I have written the following.

The bag: No suitcases for you! You need a backpack, man! This should have originally cost more than your camera, but if it's value is even close to that now, you're not working hard enough. This backpack will be yours for at least the next fifteen years, so treat it well, but make sure it's still been through a lot. It should demonstrate to anyone who even glances at it that you're a serious traveller. It should have been mended at least twice. It should have traces of mud from South East Asia. Motor oil stains from Russia. It should have things written on it in marker by inconsiderate baggage handlers in Colombia. It should have a flag sewn into it (not from your home country... that would just mark you as another tourist... ugh). And most of all, it should have the sweat marks from your back permanently staining it.

The shoes: Teva sandles, man. Nothing else will do. No sneakers, no heals, no pretty little ballet flats or dress shoes. Just a sturdy pair of sandles and the bold tan lines to match them. Get it? Got it? Good.

The clothes: The shorts with zippers should go without saying. Upon first leaving your home country (otherwise known as “that backward, internalised country with no thought to its international reputation”) you should bring band tshirts or ones with weird artwork on them. Whilst overseas, though, you need to start collecting beer singlets. Not just standard ones from overdeveloped industrial nations, but real local ones that you'll have to explain to everyone you meet (even if they never asked).

The hair: Go with dreads and suddenly you change from Uber Backpacker to Hippie, so avoid that. What you want to do is have one or two colourful braids put in by helpful street kids to whom you'll cheerfully give away your western cash. No hairbands and bobby pins if it gets in your face, but you can get a rainbow coloured scarf or turban to keep it back.

Accessories: “It's called a keffiyeh and I wear it to support Palestine, actually.” 

Conversation topics: Much like the friendly hipster or the suffering uni student, your options for conversation are lacking. However, you may talk about all the unusual and “untainted” places you've travelled to (read: travel wanking), as well as the literature that inspired you to travel as a teenager, the plight of refugees and the amazon, and the tragedy that is the tourist.

Hope this helps you all! Good luck in your quests to become the Uber Backpacker. Remember: There Can Only Be One!